Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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