I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
