I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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