You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
