Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
