i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
