Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
