After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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