Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I need moral support for this bender
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
