Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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