i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
