I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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