Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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