I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
