Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
