3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
