ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
