so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
