life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize