After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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