Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
