Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
