i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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