you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
