I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
