I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
