and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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