is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
A bitchslap is in order.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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