it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
