his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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