My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
