If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
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