If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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