what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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