I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I woke up under a house in Key West
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
