A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
