is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
