You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
