I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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