I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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