On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
