he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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