I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
