hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
