I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
