last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
