she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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