May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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