the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
