At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
