I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
