You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize