When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
