Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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