New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
