Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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