I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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