when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
